“It does get better”

Almost two years after I lost my husband I called an old friend with whom I had not spoken for many years. I found she had also been widowed several years before. As we spoke I felt that she, more than anyone else I had spoken to, understood best what I was going through. The one thing that she said that remains with me. though, is: “It does get better.”

The words did not give me any particular comfort at the time, but her understanding and sympathy was a welcome balm. It was very, very hard for me to think that things would get better. At the time more and more things were being lost in the swift current of time and were not, and actually could not, be replaced. I needed healing before I could face a life alone, always alone. I needed healing from the physical pain, the mental confusion, and the grief in all of its forms.

Michal had wanted the antiphon for his funeral Mass to be: “Shepherd me O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears from death into life.” I clung to this. I still had life, a life I didn’t want, but I never lost hope even with the heavy burden of grief. I did not know what the future held for me and I had to believe that the God who loved me before, loved me still, and wanted and would deliver what was best for me. I clung to God. He was my rock, the rock of my salvation.

January 21, 2022

“Just Think Of The Good Times” - Not a Help

Just think of the good times.” I thought, and still think, that that was the dumbest advice one can give to someone who is newly widowed. It is not that the words are wrong, but the timing is wrong.

Remembering the good times just brought a flood of pain and tears. It was unbearable. Perhaps that is because, before his unexpected death, I was dying. My own physical recover took years. I did not have the strength to overcome the loss. In fact I never had the strength to do it at all; God simply brought me healing without my being prepared for it.

Every morning my first though was of Michael, and this brought instant physical pain, which never really left me all day long. One morning I woke up and the pain wasn’t there. The tears were still there, but the physical pain was not. The grief had not disappeared, but I actually was better. God promises to comfort those who mourn, and He does. The loss is not restored, and we are different people, but the time comes when we can be comforted.

January 12, 2022

A Widow’s Perspective - Grief Has A Life Of Its Own

Christmas is a tough time for grief. On the day after Christmas, 2021, I visited a friend whose husband had died some 20 years ago, and who was happily remarried. This Christmas she was surprised by the reappearance of the grief she had felt soon after her first husband had died.

This grief was not a momentary stab but a day-long experience over which she had no control. It just kept coming. It’s persistence and intensity was in every way surprising.

Right now, some two years after my husband’s death, this sudden grief is a frequent occurrence. As the day goes along, an otherwise good day, I have times when I find myself on the verge of tears. The things that trigger these feelings have abated with time. At first the grief could be triggered by seeing an older couple, or even a younger couple, walking together. I could pass the men’s section of a store and feel the stab of loss. There was constant pain. Of course, there were and are many things about my house that trigger grief, but those things also make me cherish him.

The pain of loss and grief is sharp and hard, and I, in a way, welcome the pain. Part of me does not want to let go of my late husband. Part of me believes that if I am not grieving, I am betraying our love.

I remember that when my father died, I was 9 at the time, my aunt came to help my mother handle the loss. My aunt’s way of handling things was to attempt to eliminate everything related to my father from our house. My mother never forgave her sister, or herself, for allowing this to happen.

Yes, I still have most of my husband’s things. When I am ready, I will part with them. But I will not hurry my healing; I have found that that is impossible anyway. It is in God’s hands.

December 29, 2021